Help With the Sermon

Daughter: Daddy, why do you close your eyes and bow your head for a moment before you give the sermon?

Pastor: Because, my dear, I’m asking God for help with the sermon.

Daughter: Then why doesn’t He?

THE POPE AND THE RABBI

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.  

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal.  He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

 

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.

 

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The  Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

 

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

 

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

 

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat

 

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

 

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

 

With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

 

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?

 

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to  represent the  Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God  common to both  our beliefs.    Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.    He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer, to show  that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an  apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue.

 

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had  won.

 

“To be perfectly honest, I haven’t a clue” said the Rabbi.  First, the Pope said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I told him that it wasn’t possible. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we’re staying right here.

 “And then what?” asked a woman.

 “Who knows?” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

 

I Like Old-Fashioned Holiness People

(Here is an artricle by Keith Drury about us, complements of Matt Hallam) 

I grew up in an old-fashioned holiness church—one with ‘Holiness unto the Lord” painted across the front of the church. We kids never danced, went to movies got to go bowling, and the girls never wore jewelry or lipstick. When I explain my teen years to my students they think I was raised with the Amish or something—they don’t believe me and think I am stretching the truth. Most of my peers have moved far beyond those days we now lightly dismiss ad an era of “legalism.” But there are still people around like the people I grew up with—they call themselves the “Conservative Holiness movement” now. Some are still in my denomination in certain regions and many have left to form their own denominations or connections of independent churches. They still meet every week, and gather once a year for a giant convention in Ohio. Sometimes I sneak into these conventions incognito just to keep my eye on this branch of my family tree. I have caught heat for doing this from some of my “liberated” denominational leaders, but quite frankly I like these folk. Here’s why I like old fashioned holiness people: 1. They are really serious about religion.Since I have given my life to prompting serious religion, I like it that these folk take religion so seriously. To be honest, I get weary of liberal holiness folk who treat religion flippantly. Old fashioned holiness folk think religion is deadly serious. I think they are right and admire them for it. 2. They preach holiness.While (explicit) holiness preaching is waning among the “mainline holiness denominations” these old-fashioned holiness preachers make “preaching holiness” a central task. I don’t always agree with them on all the implications of holiness, but I agree 100% that holiness preaching needs greater attention. I like it that they give it the attention it deserves. They don’t call themselves “evangelicals”—they are “holiness folk.”  Like that. 3. They understand holiness involves lifestyleLiving a holy life is just that—a lifestyle, something to live. Religious experience is not just a change of status before God, as our Calvinist friends like to emphasize, it is a change of who we are and how we live. Old-fashioned holiness people understand this and I applaud them for it. While I may not always agree with their application of separateness on matters of TV, jewelry, amusements, or clothing I agree 100% that Christians should be essentially different from the world. I tire of the “liberated” holiness folk who have made being worldly a virtue. As to their practical standard of holiness, it is more realistic and achievable then what I hear from the refugees of their movement, and I like that.   4. They are willing to be different.Old-fashioned holiness folk are like the Amish—they are willing to be different from the world and care little what the world thinks of their dress or habits. While many the mainline holiness churches retort, “Yeah, different—maybe weird is a better word.”  Yet Christians are called to be different from secular society. We are called to be a “peculiar people.” While we may dismiss the external differences in dress, hair-length and plainness, many of us who have walked away from this conservative upbringing have yet to prove the dramatic difference we’ve made in the world by being more like the world. I respect the old-fashioned holiness folk for being willing to be set apart and surrendered to a called out life. 5. Many are aggressive, some progressive.Lots of old fashioned holiness folk get unbelievers “gloriously saved” on a regular basis. Sure, some of their churches are languishing like ours are. But many reach out and show love and draw people in to a loving caring community and these folk are transformed by God and they adopt a totally new lifestyle. If I were a out-and-out sinner I’d bet on feeling greater love and acceptance in some churches in southern Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, western Pennsylvania and upstate New York  (where conservative holiness folk are especially strong) than I’d count on in some so-called “grace based” liberal holiness churches. I know one such holiness church in Indiana that is simply booming with people—they provide IWU with a myriad of wonderful godly people who serve on our staff. To be conservative does not mean a church is unprogressive and not oriented to outreach. 6. They are less judgmental than we think.Refugees from the conservative holiness tradition in my own denomination like to tell horror stories about how judgmental conservative holiness folk are. Sure, some have been this way, but generally speaking, I have found them less judgmental than the holiness liberals. If you don’t believe me, I dare you to wear a wedding ring and a sleeveless dress and show up at one of their churches, maybe even attend their big Interchurch Holiness Convention. See how they receive you. Then go speak at one of your own denomination’s “liberated” districts and wear a suit and tie. See which one tries to correct your dress. 7. They seriously study the Bible.If you care about serious knowledge and application of the Bible these folk are your dream members. Sure, you may not agree with their interpretations all the time, but I’d rather deal with a bunch of folk who read and study the Bible constantly with misunderstanding than people who treat the Bible with a lackadaisical who-cares attitude. Teach a class to these folk and they will read and study and even argue with you. Teach a class to nominal Christians and they nod, look at their watches and say “whatever.” I like it that these folk treat the Bible seriously. 8. They produce great kids.The kids from many of these homes keep the core values even if they abandon some of the “bathwater” strict standards. They still value having revival meetings, going to prayer meeting, reading the Bible, attending Sunday school, holding VBSs for kids every summer, and taking their religion seriously. The kids from conservative holiness families run many of the more liberal holiness denominations and institutions. Some of the top leaders in the holiness denominations are adults who were raised by “old-fashioned holiness people.” They went on for Doctoral degrees and are now college professors, college presidents and denominational leaders. I’m grateful for this contribution from these old fashioned holiness people. 9. They are good readers.If I want to read the holiness classics where do I go—I go to the conservative holiness movement.  I go to Schmul Publishing company who reprints a bezillion holiness classics from Wesley through Phoebe Palmer. And, conservative holiness folk buy these books too (full disclosure including my own book, Holiness for Ordinary people, which they regularly purchace.)  While folk in the mainline holiness movement chase after Rick warren, Donald Miller, and Rob Bell, these conservative holiness folk are consuming books by John Wesley, J. B. Chapman, and Amanda Smith. And if I want holiness books electronically I can still get them at Holiness Data Ministries where Duane & Dorothea Maxey make their life’s work putting these books into electronic form and giving them away free. (Also a pile of the Maxey’s work are at the NNU site). I like that about the conservative holiness people—their laity read more theology books than some ministers I have met. 10. They serve the best food. Maybe this is socio-economic or maybe it is regional but I’ve observed that the conservative holiness people serve the very best food when they gather. While most fleshly desires are muffled among the old-fashioned holiness folk, this one is celebrated!  Mmmmmmm I can smell the food now!

PEI’s Stores Open for Sunday Shopping

New legislation on P.E.I. will allow stores to open Sunday starting later this month, and smaller store owners are worried about how it will affect their businesses.  Norman Clow, who runs Clow’s Red and White in Hampshire, just outside of Charlottetown, said he hopes he has something to offer his customers they can’t get in the bigger stores, but he worries about the future of country stores.  “For any everyday items, you know, they’re just going to go to town, because that’s where they’re going to be anyway,” said Clow.  “They’re on the road, might as well slip into town. Everything’s open there, and forget about the little country stores.”  Previously, stores could open only the four Sundays before Christmas but the new rules allow Sunday shopping from the Victoria Day weekend through Christmas. Only smaller stores could stay open year-round.  The new law was passed during the fall session of the legislature, and will bring its first new Sunday opening May 20.

David Cooper, owner of Cooper’s Red and White in Belfast in the southeast of the Island, said his store has only opened on Sundays during the summer months.  “I don’t think there’s any need of the big stores being open on Sunday,” said Cooper.  “It’s hard on all of the small, local stores but that seems to be what they want. First thing you know, there’ll be no local stores and people will have to drive to Charlottetown every day of the week.”  Cooper said he’s already suffering because of the bigger grocery chains and is worried Sunday shopping will make things even worse. (See my paper on the Sabbath at http://jkrohn.wordpress.com).

Illegally parked…

All it takes is one illegally parked troublemaker to tie up highway traffic - especially if it’s a two-metre-long alligator sprawled across the pavement.  The wailing of police sirens couldn’t persuade the big reptile to budge off the busy highway in San Antonio, Texas. So police threw orange traffic cones at it, but it just snapped at the cones and flung them away.  The gator even assaulted a police car, biting a chunk out of its bumper.  “I don’t remember any of this in the academy,” said police Officer Albert Silva.  “As far as I know, there’s no procedure on this, other than: ‘Don’t get bit.”‘  Officers finally used a lasso and metal poles to coax the alligator into a drainage ditch leading to a lake.  State game warden David Chavez couldn’t explain why a gator would take up residence on a busy highway.  “They keep to themselves,” he said. “They don’t go out looking for trouble.”

A Cinderella story…

There is a mysterious shoe and a fitting to find its rightful owner. There’s even a wedding. But, at least for the shoe’s alleged owner, there is no happily ever after.  The story begins with a van plowing into the bathroom of a house in Holiday, a suburb of St. Petersburg, Fla. Residents Sandy McCombie and her fiance, Michael Toth, watched the van’s driver flee across their front lawn - leaving a shoe behind.

The Florida Highway Patrol was investigating about an hour later when John Glen Aquista, 43, of Holiday walked up to the scene.  The man was bloody, wearing only boxer shorts and, most important, shoeless. His injuries looked as if his face had smashed into a steering wheel, investigators said. Aquista denied involvement in the crash but the van was registered to his address, the patrol said.

When a trooper asked him to slip on the wayward shoe, “it was a perfect fit,” the FHP said.  Aquista was charged with leaving the scene of an accident involving property damage and driving without a valid licence. He was being held in the Pasco County jail in lieu of US$1,250 bail Monday, jail records show. It was not clear whether he had a lawyer.  McCombie, 46, and Toth, 39, plan to be married Friday

It Happened in Shelbyville, IN

SHELBYVILLE, Ind. (AP) - Two of the oldest people in the United States met Saturday. A relative drove 113-year-old Bertha Fry of Muncie to a Shelbyville nursing home to visit Edna Parker, who celebrated her 114th birthday Friday.  Members of both families attended the meeting along with Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels, who presented Parker with a Sagamore of the Wabash. The award recognizes Hoosiers who have endeared themselves to the people of Indiana.  A representative of Guinness World Records also was on hand to confirm the event.  The women’s combined age is more than that in any other meeting of two humans on record. Together, they accounted for 227 years and 142 days as of Saturday, breaking the previous record of 219 years. “I’m glad you have come,” Parker told Fry. “We have a lot to be thankful for.”  

Parker, born April 20, 1893, became the second-oldest person in the world in January.  She took that spot following the death of Emma Faust Tillman of East Hartford, Conn., who was 114 and 67 days old when she died, according to the California-based Gerontology Research Group.  The only person older than Parker is Yone Minagawa of Japan, who turned 114 on Jan. 4.  The group lists Fry, born Dec. 1, 1893, as the third-oldest person in the United States and the fifth-oldest in the world.  Both Parker and Fry are former school teachers.

In a surprise turnaround, the Wangs win…

A new study has refuted the notion that Li is China’s most popular surname.  A 2006 survey of 296 million people in 1,100 counties and cities by the Chinese Academy of Sciences found that Li led the ranks of family names with about 7.4 per cent of the population.  However, state media reports a recent analysis of household registration data covering nearly all of China’s population revealed that Wang is, in fact, the most common name in the country.  It says data shows almost 93 million mainland Chinese are called Wang, or about 7.25 per cent of the total population.  Zhang is the country’s third most popular name.

No more cheese please.

The Chicago Skyway is open again, thanks to work crews who spent several hours scraping chunks of mozzarella cheese off the busy roadway. The southeast-bound lanes of the heavily travelled route into Indiana were blocked for hours on Sunday after a tractor-trailer hauling mozzarella was involved in an accident.  The trailer ended up spilling its contents onto the pavement near the Skyway tollbooth.  A police spokesman says some of the cheese had come out of its packaging, so the cleanup crews had to pick it up by hand.  He says the workers spent more than nine hours cleaning up the scene of the accident and removing the truck and trailer.

Grandmother flying cross-country makes emergency landing in muddy field

A grandmother of five was flying her small plane cross-country when the engine quit in mid-air and she was forced to make an emergency landing in a muddy field.  Emma Hanner, 78, was flying her two-seater plane home to Denver from Lexington, N.C., when the propeller stopped suddenly west of St. Louis.  “It just quit,” said Hanner. “When the propeller on the front of the plane goes around, it keeps the pilot cool. But when it stops, that’s when the pilot starts to sweat.”  Fortunately, there were plenty of open spaces below her.  As the plane hit the ground, one wheel dipped into an irrigation ditch and buckled underneath the plane. That bent the plane’s nose down and spun it around, Hanner said, jolting her forward with her face hitting the steering yoke. A cut below her nose was her only injury.Hanner said it was her first emergency landing in nearly four decades of flying. She described the 1970 Grumman AA1 as “like a Cessna 150, but it’s got a bigger engine - more powerful.”  She flies several times a week and planned to have the plane repaired. She plans to return to Missouri and get it, then fly home.  “I love that plane,” she said.